The reader in me...

Reading over my previous post have me feeling as if someone else had written them, and with the attitude of most of those post, I'm glad to feel that way. This day I am feeling wonderful! I've been up cleaning, blogging, reading, and ran/walked two miles on the treadmill! I have lost sixty-two pounds...yeah I know...I'm awesome. We had our annual Halloween party on Saturday and it was a blast! I went as Annie Oakley and Jeremy was an ol' western cowboy (a very handsome one I might add). I also had cousins over that I don't get to see often and that was best of all! I am writing again and I hope to keep it up. I love it and miss it dearly. I also have started reading (Amazonia--James Rollins) another "friend" I miss dearly. I remember growing up and reading constantly. I remember hating summer because for me that meant no school library (I didn't get to go many places until I started driving myself). When a local library started a books by mail program, I nearly died of excitement....now I could get my fix anytime of the year! For me now reading falls very far on my list of to dos and it takes me soooo long to read even the thinnest of books. this makes the reader in me very sad, very sad indeed.

On seeing the Tooth Fairy

I have been completely down with a bad tooth for weeks now, and everything has gotten way off course. It was already difficult for me to stay above water and now I’ve sank pretty far down. I am determined to get back to at least my normal kind of normal. My tooth or lack thereof is not completely healed but I’m definitely on the mending end. I’ve spent the last weeks loopy on pain killers and still in pain while trying to successfully complete a root canal. In the end only an extraction would begin the healing process. You know I think that may be true in other aspects of our lives. We try desperately to hold on and mend things that are broken. We try to put a cap on them and stop the decay when really these things are rotten and need to be extracted from our lives. I frequently read on a social site that “when things in life aren’t adding up, try subtracting.” Or very close to that anyway. And it’s true. Some relationships, people or jobs just cannot be repaired. The presence of this decay is only causing pain and confusion. I’ve sat here at seven am on a Saturday morning wanting terribly to have slept in but decided to do this anyway, wondering, why am I writing this? Is this some kind of subconscious message to myself? Is there something that I need extracted from my life? Maybe it’s myself. And I don’t mean that the way it may sound. I tend to trip over my own feet a lot. Let myself ruin a good thing. Or get in my own way and not get things done. Maybe I need to get rid of that person. I’ve been so foggy since having kids that tripping over my own feet seems to happen a lot. I put so much on my plate and I’m spread so thin that no matter where I am or who I’m with, parts of me are still left behind with the many many many chores I have. Maybe it’s not myself that needs extracting at all, but all the garbage I’ve put on my to-do list. My to-do list needs a good root canal!

Stranded without sanity

Poor poor blog. I only seem to give it attention when I'm down in the dumps. I'm not feeling particularly cheerful but I'm  not too bad. This week Nathaniel has been sick, Emily has allergies, and Chloe, well she's just her usual bouncing off the wall self. On the way to the doctor Wednesday the van breaks down......the day after Christmas .....you've got to be kidding me!!!   Well we get it to a mechanic Thursday and within the hour he had called us back and told us what we had feared.....it was the transmission. However it was due to a recall. I immediately remembered a letter I had received several months back. Oops....but all is well and I hope to have it back soon as I don't like being stuck at home. Even if I prefer not to go anywhere ... I want the choice. Other than that, Christmas vacation has been great. Well I don't know if Emily would agree. She left an iPhone in her pants and yes I washed it (still works though!,!?!)   The day after Christmas she dropped and broke her tablet. Yes she did just get it the morning before.   OK so other than all that it has been great. Jeremy and I decided we would not do a single gift for each other this year. Well, Christmas eve night he hands me a small blue box. I'm immediately mad, but he assures me he only spent eight cents on it. So a little confused I open the box and pull out a homemade bracelet.  The pieces don't quite match and it has eight old  pennies dangling from it. Some from the eighties. I have to admit I didn't like it at first glance but while putting it on my wrist he shows me each penny. One for every significant event in our lives. Our birth years, year we began dating, got married and the birth of each child. It instantly became the most precious piece of jewelry I'd ever owned.  I couldn't believe he had done this. Jeremy is one of the worst gift givers. Just take my word for it!!! Well except for the year he bought me 85 dollar perfume, which he has been instructed to never ever do again!   At any rate I stuck to my end off the deal and got him nothing. I didn't know what to get that could compare even a little. Hard to believe how lucky, no how blessed I am.

I wish i had arms like that Hindu deity

It's amazing how i can be surrounded by so many people and feel as if I'm going at life alone.  I feel like i  can't keep up, like im drowning in homework,  housework,  feedings, dinners, diapers, lack of sleep, messes......i know  I am dealing with no more than any other wife or mother. But I'm not any other. I don't think I was cut out for this gig!  I don't know what I'm doing half the time and I am ashamed of my thoughts and actions. I need some help or some sleep. Sleep would be good too!

?

I am feeling very depressed lonely angry stuck overwhelmed.....I'm a bag full of emotions right now!!! Wish someone had all the answers!!!

And She Was Gone....

This is a poem from a cartoon (As Told by Ginger)  But I loved it!!!

She chose to walk alone.
Though others wondered why.
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn't have companions.
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird.
That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame.
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say, stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it
Said the story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held...

And then she was gone.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe...

This past month has been miserable for me. I have been sick for weeks now. The only thing I'm allowed to take doesn’t work. All I want to do is lay around. That being said, I have realized from this experience that my body is currently not my own (well I knew that already, but it's now overwhelmingly apparent). Granted I know that there are limitations when you're pregnant, I know that there are annoyances while you're pregnant. I have never been one of those women who spouted on and on about the joys and wonders of pregnancy, but I've never hated either. This time around however the emotion hate isn't too far off. Because of this I am ashamed of myself, but I'm sure many women feel the way I do. At least I hope so, I really don't want to be the only mother attending this pregnancy pity party! "Oh, it will be over soon!" you might say. But no, my goal this time around is to not use formula at all! So that means there will still be limitations and annoyances for a long while. Wow! Women are strong! Much stronger than men will ever be, because given all the gross, exhausting, limiting, things we go through, we do it again and again and again and absolutely love the outcome!!!

Who Needs Sleep!

It is three am on Sunday morning. The very first day of the New Year actually, and I can’t sleep. Lately my mind just will not rest. Now as a writer that is wonderful, so many ideas flowing and just waiting to be created, begging to flow through my fingers and onto my laptop. But not when your first job is being a pregnant mother and wife and all the ideas seem to come in the middle of the night.


Most nights I am consumed with unbaiting excessive fear. Things like house fires, my health, dying in a fiery car crash…..Things that are scary yes, but not things I need to lose precious sleep over EVERY night. Tonight however is different, I have been thinking about my classmates, my best friend being one of them. We have had such a disconnection through the years that I don’t think we know who each other truly is anymore. I miss her greatly. I know that our bond is still within us. A bond as strong as ours growing up couldn’t be truly broken.

I’ve also been thinking about another class mate of mine, one who wasn’t my best friend or even particularly in my circle of friends. But tonight he is on my mind none the less. He has chosen (if that would be a proper word) to live a life that most Christians do not accept. This part is as it should be as it tells us in the bible. However, I have never read in my bible where it written not to love this person. It tells me to love my neighbor, there are no contingencies. Despite what the bible says some have disconnected themselves from him, people he loved, friends. And some do this in the name of Christianity. They look at this situation and only take from it this person’s sin and ignore that they are being hateful, judgmental, and in my opinion not showing God’s true face through themselves and their actions, sinning. Now this particular post is not to say that I am not a sinner myself. It is not to say that I have a complete clarity about this subject or any pertaining to God. It is to say however, that I believe in wonderful, loving, forgiving God. One who I think may have his work cut out for himself with me.

I have long abandoned the practice of New Year’s resolutions, due to never keeping them and the silliness of each promise. Usually these resolutions were to stop biting my fingernails, learn a new word daily, read more nonfiction, lose a little weight. Things that only bettered my appearance or social appearance of intelligence. But this year I want to make a resolution. I want every day to renew my spirit with God’s love and promise. I want to show the face of God to everyone I meet.

When words won't come....

Wow this has been a rough couple of months. Since the second week in October I have been exhausted and nauseous. It is all for a wonderful blessing of course as Jeremy and I have decided to add to our little family. We realize we are not financially, mentally or spaciously, ready for another child, but really how many people are. I’m betting very few. Sometimes I find myself thinking “what have I gotten into?” and other times I just can’t wait to meet our new little addition. Most feelings are of the latter. I am finally feeling better and want to get back to eating healthy, exercising and writing.

I miss writing. It’s like a very good friend I never call or visit any longer. Since I can remember I would write, I loved it! Every mood, change in weather, visitor….really anything prompted me to write. Ideas flowed so freely I couldn’t get them on paper fast enough. Eventually friends, dates and school work got in the way, soon followed by the responsibilities of a job, husband, house and kids. I rarely make time for my good friend anymore. It comforted me in periods of loneliness, sadness, times of being misunderstood or feeling disconnected. Even in my happiness. Now years past, the ideas don’t produce as easily. I have to work much harder for them now. Maybe I misused my dear friend or took for granted the ease at which my words came forth. How I wish I could tap into mind that was so full of ideas.

Weakness

I don’t know why I am so vulnerable.  I wish for once in my life I could be one of those women that could handle the hits and roll with the punches.   Even on my best days I am feel weak.  I feel inadequate.  I know being a mother can make you feel this way, I know that every mother grieves the loss of her confidence when she becomes the one to mold and shape a life.  But feeling this way day after day with every decision I make is taxing. I feel as though every move I make is wrong.  When I foolishly make a confident step, very much like walking in the dark, I quickly realize there is no step there and I am left with that sickening lunge forward.  And at once I realize my mistake and I am scared to step again.  The dark is frightening and I soon find myself standing still, petrified.  If you haven’t guessed, I am in one of “dark deep woods” moods.  I will never venture in of course, but the wood will forever remain lovely.