Stranded without sanity

Poor poor blog. I only seem to give it attention when I'm down in the dumps. I'm not feeling particularly cheerful but I'm  not too bad. This week Nathaniel has been sick, Emily has allergies, and Chloe, well she's just her usual bouncing off the wall self. On the way to the doctor Wednesday the van breaks down......the day after Christmas .....you've got to be kidding me!!!   Well we get it to a mechanic Thursday and within the hour he had called us back and told us what we had feared.....it was the transmission. However it was due to a recall. I immediately remembered a letter I had received several months back. Oops....but all is well and I hope to have it back soon as I don't like being stuck at home. Even if I prefer not to go anywhere ... I want the choice. Other than that, Christmas vacation has been great. Well I don't know if Emily would agree. She left an iPhone in her pants and yes I washed it (still works though!,!?!)   The day after Christmas she dropped and broke her tablet. Yes she did just get it the morning before.   OK so other than all that it has been great. Jeremy and I decided we would not do a single gift for each other this year. Well, Christmas eve night he hands me a small blue box. I'm immediately mad, but he assures me he only spent eight cents on it. So a little confused I open the box and pull out a homemade bracelet.  The pieces don't quite match and it has eight old  pennies dangling from it. Some from the eighties. I have to admit I didn't like it at first glance but while putting it on my wrist he shows me each penny. One for every significant event in our lives. Our birth years, year we began dating, got married and the birth of each child. It instantly became the most precious piece of jewelry I'd ever owned.  I couldn't believe he had done this. Jeremy is one of the worst gift givers. Just take my word for it!!! Well except for the year he bought me 85 dollar perfume, which he has been instructed to never ever do again!   At any rate I stuck to my end off the deal and got him nothing. I didn't know what to get that could compare even a little. Hard to believe how lucky, no how blessed I am.

I wish i had arms like that Hindu deity

It's amazing how i can be surrounded by so many people and feel as if I'm going at life alone.  I feel like i  can't keep up, like im drowning in homework,  housework,  feedings, dinners, diapers, lack of sleep, messes......i know  I am dealing with no more than any other wife or mother. But I'm not any other. I don't think I was cut out for this gig!  I don't know what I'm doing half the time and I am ashamed of my thoughts and actions. I need some help or some sleep. Sleep would be good too!

?

I am feeling very depressed lonely angry stuck overwhelmed.....I'm a bag full of emotions right now!!! Wish someone had all the answers!!!

And She Was Gone....

This is a poem from a cartoon (As Told by Ginger)  But I loved it!!!

She chose to walk alone.
Though others wondered why.
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn't have companions.
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird.
That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame.
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say, stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it
Said the story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held...

And then she was gone.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe...

This past month has been miserable for me. I have been sick for weeks now. The only thing I'm allowed to take doesn’t work. All I want to do is lay around. That being said, I have realized from this experience that my body is currently not my own (well I knew that already, but it's now overwhelmingly apparent). Granted I know that there are limitations when you're pregnant, I know that there are annoyances while you're pregnant. I have never been one of those women who spouted on and on about the joys and wonders of pregnancy, but I've never hated either. This time around however the emotion hate isn't too far off. Because of this I am ashamed of myself, but I'm sure many women feel the way I do. At least I hope so, I really don't want to be the only mother attending this pregnancy pity party! "Oh, it will be over soon!" you might say. But no, my goal this time around is to not use formula at all! So that means there will still be limitations and annoyances for a long while. Wow! Women are strong! Much stronger than men will ever be, because given all the gross, exhausting, limiting, things we go through, we do it again and again and again and absolutely love the outcome!!!

Who Needs Sleep!

It is three am on Sunday morning. The very first day of the New Year actually, and I can’t sleep. Lately my mind just will not rest. Now as a writer that is wonderful, so many ideas flowing and just waiting to be created, begging to flow through my fingers and onto my laptop. But not when your first job is being a pregnant mother and wife and all the ideas seem to come in the middle of the night.


Most nights I am consumed with unbaiting excessive fear. Things like house fires, my health, dying in a fiery car crash…..Things that are scary yes, but not things I need to lose precious sleep over EVERY night. Tonight however is different, I have been thinking about my classmates, my best friend being one of them. We have had such a disconnection through the years that I don’t think we know who each other truly is anymore. I miss her greatly. I know that our bond is still within us. A bond as strong as ours growing up couldn’t be truly broken.

I’ve also been thinking about another class mate of mine, one who wasn’t my best friend or even particularly in my circle of friends. But tonight he is on my mind none the less. He has chosen (if that would be a proper word) to live a life that most Christians do not accept. This part is as it should be as it tells us in the bible. However, I have never read in my bible where it written not to love this person. It tells me to love my neighbor, there are no contingencies. Despite what the bible says some have disconnected themselves from him, people he loved, friends. And some do this in the name of Christianity. They look at this situation and only take from it this person’s sin and ignore that they are being hateful, judgmental, and in my opinion not showing God’s true face through themselves and their actions, sinning. Now this particular post is not to say that I am not a sinner myself. It is not to say that I have a complete clarity about this subject or any pertaining to God. It is to say however, that I believe in wonderful, loving, forgiving God. One who I think may have his work cut out for himself with me.

I have long abandoned the practice of New Year’s resolutions, due to never keeping them and the silliness of each promise. Usually these resolutions were to stop biting my fingernails, learn a new word daily, read more nonfiction, lose a little weight. Things that only bettered my appearance or social appearance of intelligence. But this year I want to make a resolution. I want every day to renew my spirit with God’s love and promise. I want to show the face of God to everyone I meet.

When words won't come....

Wow this has been a rough couple of months. Since the second week in October I have been exhausted and nauseous. It is all for a wonderful blessing of course as Jeremy and I have decided to add to our little family. We realize we are not financially, mentally or spaciously, ready for another child, but really how many people are. I’m betting very few. Sometimes I find myself thinking “what have I gotten into?” and other times I just can’t wait to meet our new little addition. Most feelings are of the latter. I am finally feeling better and want to get back to eating healthy, exercising and writing.

I miss writing. It’s like a very good friend I never call or visit any longer. Since I can remember I would write, I loved it! Every mood, change in weather, visitor….really anything prompted me to write. Ideas flowed so freely I couldn’t get them on paper fast enough. Eventually friends, dates and school work got in the way, soon followed by the responsibilities of a job, husband, house and kids. I rarely make time for my good friend anymore. It comforted me in periods of loneliness, sadness, times of being misunderstood or feeling disconnected. Even in my happiness. Now years past, the ideas don’t produce as easily. I have to work much harder for them now. Maybe I misused my dear friend or took for granted the ease at which my words came forth. How I wish I could tap into mind that was so full of ideas.

Weakness

I don’t know why I am so vulnerable.  I wish for once in my life I could be one of those women that could handle the hits and roll with the punches.   Even on my best days I am feel weak.  I feel inadequate.  I know being a mother can make you feel this way, I know that every mother grieves the loss of her confidence when she becomes the one to mold and shape a life.  But feeling this way day after day with every decision I make is taxing. I feel as though every move I make is wrong.  When I foolishly make a confident step, very much like walking in the dark, I quickly realize there is no step there and I am left with that sickening lunge forward.  And at once I realize my mistake and I am scared to step again.  The dark is frightening and I soon find myself standing still, petrified.  If you haven’t guessed, I am in one of “dark deep woods” moods.  I will never venture in of course, but the wood will forever remain lovely.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.


He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.


The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.


In sixth grade we had to recite this poem by Robert Frost, it is one I have never forgotten. I remember our teacher asking us what we thought it meant. Some of my classmates thought of Santa Claus, some of just a man enjoying the snowy evening. But not me. To me this poem implies darkness, a man losing himself. He wants to no longer exist. The woods are nothingness. They are lovely and inviting. They offer deliverance from torment. But he knows he has promises, responsibilities, and an entire life to live.

I sometimes find myself lingering on the edge of these deep dark woods knowing that the sadness I sometimes feel would vanish upon entering the wood. But I too have promises, I too have many miles. I do not wish to leave behind a family that makes these woods so much less inviting. But the reason for wanting to stop by these woods, why these feelings I feel come and go at will, still remains a mystery to me.

My Blessings.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,

gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

a return to love - Marianne Williamson



This is my favorite excerpt! I believe that we all have it in us to become wonderful miraculous creations of God. After all we are made in His image and He spoke all things into existence. We do have some of God in us and His power, the ability to be extraordinary servants. Not only do I believe that we are afraid of this brilliance, we also believe we are not worthy. Being God’s child makes us worthy of success for Him. It makes us worthy of being that powerful talented servant.

I have been writing since childhood and have only recently discovered that this talent is not mine, it is the talent that God has given me for His glory. I only hope that I am able to prosper as God has planned for me.

As of now I am a 31 year old mother of two. Emily who is 10 and Chloe who is 4. Motherhood has been one of the greatest adventures of my life. I would have never believed I could love someone so much that it hurts, so much that it brings tears to my eyes. I had Emily when I was only 20 and she will never realize the lessons she has taught me. Lessons about love, patience, fear, heartache, growing up and joy so much joy. Chloe was a planned decision after my husband and I lost a child. Chloe has taught me about healing and faith. The other great adventure is being a wife. I have been married for 11 years this September. And I have to admit we have evolved with each other; making each other better people, celebrating each other’s accomplishments, uplifting each other after a failure. Recently I have realized that I not only love him, I’m not only in love with him, but I love him unconditionally. He is a man of great honesty, humbleness, faithfulness. I can’t believe how blessed I am. When I slowdown in life and take a moment to reflect on God’s gifts to me, I sincerely feel God’s love. He must indeed love me.