Stranded without sanity

Poor poor blog. I only seem to give it attention when I'm down in the dumps. I'm not feeling particularly cheerful but I'm  not too bad. This week Nathaniel has been sick, Emily has allergies, and Chloe, well she's just her usual bouncing off the wall self. On the way to the doctor Wednesday the van breaks down......the day after Christmas .....you've got to be kidding me!!!   Well we get it to a mechanic Thursday and within the hour he had called us back and told us what we had feared.....it was the transmission. However it was due to a recall. I immediately remembered a letter I had received several months back. Oops....but all is well and I hope to have it back soon as I don't like being stuck at home. Even if I prefer not to go anywhere ... I want the choice. Other than that, Christmas vacation has been great. Well I don't know if Emily would agree. She left an iPhone in her pants and yes I washed it (still works though!,!?!)   The day after Christmas she dropped and broke her tablet. Yes she did just get it the morning before.   OK so other than all that it has been great. Jeremy and I decided we would not do a single gift for each other this year. Well, Christmas eve night he hands me a small blue box. I'm immediately mad, but he assures me he only spent eight cents on it. So a little confused I open the box and pull out a homemade bracelet.  The pieces don't quite match and it has eight old  pennies dangling from it. Some from the eighties. I have to admit I didn't like it at first glance but while putting it on my wrist he shows me each penny. One for every significant event in our lives. Our birth years, year we began dating, got married and the birth of each child. It instantly became the most precious piece of jewelry I'd ever owned.  I couldn't believe he had done this. Jeremy is one of the worst gift givers. Just take my word for it!!! Well except for the year he bought me 85 dollar perfume, which he has been instructed to never ever do again!   At any rate I stuck to my end off the deal and got him nothing. I didn't know what to get that could compare even a little. Hard to believe how lucky, no how blessed I am.

I wish i had arms like that Hindu deity

It's amazing how i can be surrounded by so many people and feel as if I'm going at life alone.  I feel like i  can't keep up, like im drowning in homework,  housework,  feedings, dinners, diapers, lack of sleep, messes......i know  I am dealing with no more than any other wife or mother. But I'm not any other. I don't think I was cut out for this gig!  I don't know what I'm doing half the time and I am ashamed of my thoughts and actions. I need some help or some sleep. Sleep would be good too!

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I am feeling very depressed lonely angry stuck overwhelmed.....I'm a bag full of emotions right now!!! Wish someone had all the answers!!!

And She Was Gone....

This is a poem from a cartoon (As Told by Ginger)  But I loved it!!!

She chose to walk alone.
Though others wondered why.
Refused to look before her,
Kept eyes cast upwards,
Towards the sky.

She didn't have companions.
No need for earthly things.
Only wanted freedom,
From what she felt were puppet strings.

She longed to be a bird.
That she might fly away.
She pitied every blade of grass
For planted they would stay.

She longed to be a flame.
That brightly danced alone.
Felt jealous of the steam
That made the air its only home.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

Some say she wished too hard.
Some say she wished too long.
But we awoke one autumn day
To find that she was gone.

The trees, they say, stood witness.
The sky refused to tell.
But someone who had seen it
Said the story played out well.

She spread her arms out wide.
Breathed in the break of dawn.
She just let go of all she held...

And then she was gone.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe...

This past month has been miserable for me. I have been sick for weeks now. The only thing I'm allowed to take doesn’t work. All I want to do is lay around. That being said, I have realized from this experience that my body is currently not my own (well I knew that already, but it's now overwhelmingly apparent). Granted I know that there are limitations when you're pregnant, I know that there are annoyances while you're pregnant. I have never been one of those women who spouted on and on about the joys and wonders of pregnancy, but I've never hated either. This time around however the emotion hate isn't too far off. Because of this I am ashamed of myself, but I'm sure many women feel the way I do. At least I hope so, I really don't want to be the only mother attending this pregnancy pity party! "Oh, it will be over soon!" you might say. But no, my goal this time around is to not use formula at all! So that means there will still be limitations and annoyances for a long while. Wow! Women are strong! Much stronger than men will ever be, because given all the gross, exhausting, limiting, things we go through, we do it again and again and again and absolutely love the outcome!!!

Who Needs Sleep!

It is three am on Sunday morning. The very first day of the New Year actually, and I can’t sleep. Lately my mind just will not rest. Now as a writer that is wonderful, so many ideas flowing and just waiting to be created, begging to flow through my fingers and onto my laptop. But not when your first job is being a pregnant mother and wife and all the ideas seem to come in the middle of the night.


Most nights I am consumed with unbaiting excessive fear. Things like house fires, my health, dying in a fiery car crash…..Things that are scary yes, but not things I need to lose precious sleep over EVERY night. Tonight however is different, I have been thinking about my classmates, my best friend being one of them. We have had such a disconnection through the years that I don’t think we know who each other truly is anymore. I miss her greatly. I know that our bond is still within us. A bond as strong as ours growing up couldn’t be truly broken.

I’ve also been thinking about another class mate of mine, one who wasn’t my best friend or even particularly in my circle of friends. But tonight he is on my mind none the less. He has chosen (if that would be a proper word) to live a life that most Christians do not accept. This part is as it should be as it tells us in the bible. However, I have never read in my bible where it written not to love this person. It tells me to love my neighbor, there are no contingencies. Despite what the bible says some have disconnected themselves from him, people he loved, friends. And some do this in the name of Christianity. They look at this situation and only take from it this person’s sin and ignore that they are being hateful, judgmental, and in my opinion not showing God’s true face through themselves and their actions, sinning. Now this particular post is not to say that I am not a sinner myself. It is not to say that I have a complete clarity about this subject or any pertaining to God. It is to say however, that I believe in wonderful, loving, forgiving God. One who I think may have his work cut out for himself with me.

I have long abandoned the practice of New Year’s resolutions, due to never keeping them and the silliness of each promise. Usually these resolutions were to stop biting my fingernails, learn a new word daily, read more nonfiction, lose a little weight. Things that only bettered my appearance or social appearance of intelligence. But this year I want to make a resolution. I want every day to renew my spirit with God’s love and promise. I want to show the face of God to everyone I meet.